unshakable
the first post…
Here I am years, decades maybe, after the thought of a blog first crossed my mind… for so long i convinced myself it was easier to stay small. it was far too risky to be fully seen in this way, sharing myself to people i don’t even really know… and even those I do know (maybe the scarier idea, for me). What would they think? or say?
in university my best friend and i joked about making a blog.. we never did but in the back of my mind I always had a longing to pour out my heart. i love writing but for a long time i told myself - that isn’t my thing. My older sister is the writer (literally - published author/poet), and thats ‘just not me’. i would justify to myself with things like ‘who wants to read what I have to say?’, ‘i’m not great with grammar’, ‘i type too fast and ramble!’… among many other, i built and believed the story that i was not ‘good enough’ to do this.
lost & found
The past 7-8 years have been leading to this moment. You see, i started to dip my toe in ‘the arena’, as Brene Brown calls it, in 2019. I left an office job that wasn’t fulfilling me, and embarked on my first journey of self-employment, as an artist, calligrapher & wedding stationer. Things went great that year, and I was feeling like I was on the way to living my dream life. In December 2019 I got engaged, and then found out i was pregnant to kick of 2020.
We hadn’t planned on that, and I was nervous about what this would mean for my self employment, but so excited too - as they say, two sides of the same coin. I marched on, but in March 2020 when COVID became our reality, things started to slip. Suddenly, my clients were all postponing and cancelling, and I was navigating pregnancy in isolation and on video calls with friends and family - not the pregnancy I planned.
My son came early - almost 8 weeks - and time kept moving - but as we all know, COVID impacted events like weddings for years. I ended up getting a part time job when my son was only 4 months old. It was extremely challenging, and I felt an immense amount of shame around what i saw as a failure.
I stopped creating art for nearly 2 years. i was diagnoses with adhd which was a journey in itself, and i struggled a lot with the changing aspects of my life as a mom. it took a few years but in 2024 found myself on a soul work journey, and in a women’s circle, that changed the way i live my life.
reclaimation
Over the past 3 years i have rebuilt my connection to myself & my creativity, studied symbols, archetypes, and goddesses, reclaimed my relationship with my body, and found kinship in a group of incredible women - many who i have never met IRL! I started making art again, and pottery, built new habits with journalling, breath, and yoga, and recently I started teaching at my local community centre! All things that bring me such joy - and i am so grateful i found my way back here.
now, here I am… launching my website. I recently looked at a screen recording of my old site - i didn’t even realize i had it. recently the feeling of that ‘failure’ had shifted to appreciation for the gift that the redirection gave me.. but seeing that screen recording, i was reminded that i also had so many wins and accomplishments that i easily forgot about. so building this site, and launching it, feels big. Like.. a real ‘commitment’, maybe the proof that I believe in myself? It also feels extremely vulnerable, but the risk of not being authentic to myself feels way scarier than the thought of vulnerability.
i am the only one who can change the narratives i have lived by. so, yes, i am ‘good enough’ to write a blog. and yes, people i don’t know (and know) are going to read it. judgement and criticism from others does not belong to me.
unshakable
this year is my third year of working with a word of the year, and this year is ‘unshakable’ - the title of this post. for me, this is about my devotion.. to myself, my creativity, my soul. it means that i have all the tools i need to keep going even when things don’t go as planned. i see the scary/exciting thing i want to do and do it. sometimes its a quick doing, other times it takes a lot of self talk, a deep breath, and a ‘fuck it’ before i hit post, send the email, or take that next step. the teachings from my women’s circle - namely studies of goddesses, symbols, & archetypes - have shifted so many of my perspectives, and i feel more connected to my intuition and true self than i ever have.
so, if you can relate to any of this… feeling lost, disconnected, rebuilding, reclaiming, failure, vulnerability etc… hi! i’m so glad you’re here. i can’t wait to keep sharing with you.
